BFP!

It seems to be good to be true, I got a BFP this morning. I keep thinking it was a dye run or a false positive. I mean, me? pregnant? I was just accepting that we would need to move on to IVF. Also my sore boobs have disappeared just like they do before AF shows. I am having AF cramps and increased discharge all saying AF is on her way other than my temps are still up and I am staring at those two pink lines. I just can't believe it.

I had a beta done today but it was too late in the day so now I have to wait til Monday. I know there is nothing I can do to make this baby stick and I will just have to sit here and see if AF starts. It was due today or could be as long as Sunday. I don't know what I will do if it starts. I think I will be the biggest emotional wreck ever. I don't even think I will take my temp tomorrow, if it drops I don't think I will get out of bed. Who knew getting a BFP would make me a basket case? I know I am rambling but thats how my brain would look if you could see inside it right now. I am going to test every morning until AF shows or I get my beta back showing a real number. I got down on my knees and prayed this morning. I pray all the time but never on my knees. Please lord let this be the one, let this be a sticky bean.

Depression..

I don't know why it is but I seem to post a lot more when I am depressed. I am so down right now. I feel like nothing is right and that I am just failing at everything I want to do.

I want to lose weight but I can't stop eating.
I want to get in shape but work out for a day and then quit.
I want to save money and pay off my bills but instead I spend it on frivolous stuff or food that makes me fat... see above.

I worked out some at work tonight since I heard it can elevate your mood, I hope it kicks in soon. Woody just ordered pizza but because I told him I am trying to not spend money on going out to eat anymore he has stated that I am not allowed to have any pizza because he is not running a charity. I thought he would understand and support me in trying to be better with money but instead he is acting like a petulant child. It irks me but you know what I don't need pizza anyways. I am fat enough already.

I am also wallowing in a sea of "I'm never going to be pregnant" misery. I have already convinced myself that this next IUI is a failure and I haven't even had it yet. How depressing. I wish I had some hope but I just feel like I am out. I think it doesn't help that I am not entirely sure we have money for any other treatments for awhile. Ugh! I need to post every so often about happy things..... :( I just want to crawl in bed and cry... of course Woody wants to watch a movie.

Sigh

I am just feeling so depressed right now. It seems like everyone that I know and even people I don't are pregnant right now. I still love seeing babies and I really truly congratulate anyone I know who is pregnant but why can't it be me? What is so wrong with me that I just can't get pregnant. We have done two medicated IUI's now and nothing. I am running out of money and if this last IUI doesn't work I am guessing it will be awhile before we can move on to whatever the next step is.

We do have to move on to the next step if this cycle doesn't work. The RE said that we would try this for 3 cycles. Woody and I have talked some about it and I think we might try donor sperm. It is so much less expensive then IVF. It makes me so sad though to think I won't be able to see our features in our baby but I want to be a mom so bad and Woody wants to be a dad again, I wonder though when it comes time to actually pull the trigger on donor sperm if he will be ok with it. I go back and forth everyday about it.

I am so glad I have my little blog. I know not many people read it and to be honest that is fine with me if no one did, I just sometimes need to get things off my chest and while I love babycenter.com and the wonderful group of ladies on Actively Trying the Next Level I just don't feel like bothering them when I am feeling so down about something every single one of those ladies are struggling with. If anyone is reading this... please send a prayer that this cycle works. I have my US on Thursday and probably the IUI on Friday or Saturday. Please, please, please!!

Crazy Symptoms.

It is amazing how one moment I can swear I am pregnant and then the next I feel like my period is going to start any moment.

I had my first IUI on 10/21/2012 and I am going to be 10 DPIUI tomorrow. My breasts are the sorest they have ever been, my BBT chart looks amazing, but I am sitting here with my usual period type cramps, though I will admit they are days early.

I plan to test tomorrow. I know it is too early to probably get a BFP but I just want to try for a cool Halloween honey we are pregnant thing. My irrational fear though is my period is going to start tomorrow because every time I have ever taken a HPT when I thought there was a real chance I could be pregnant, my period has started that day, with out fail.

I hate how I am feeling right now and I hate how scared I am about these cramps. Usually when my breasts do usually get sore, it disappears right before my period but instead they are getting more sore and big, I hope that means good things but I just feel so low right now. I want Woody and I to finally get our baby.

No sense!!

Men make no sense, or maybe it is just mine. Woody and I just went through all this testing and bought medication to start next cycle to get our BFP and just now he just went on a rant telling me how I am being irresponsible by wanting to become pregnant while I am still going to school and how we should be waiting. WTF?? I swear he is bipolar. I am just going to let this slide. I am not going to even get into an argument with him over this.

We have already been trying for 1 year and 7 months and nothing has happened... I am 30, he is 35. He wants to wait? Why not just say that we are never going to have kids? I know he doesn't mean it but whenever he gets upset or wound up about something, in the case he has finals, he becomes irrational and mean about everything. I really can't stand when he is like this.

HSG

My HSG was all clear. That is such a relief. I am waiting to talk to the doctor now. I am cramping a little.

It seems like besides Woody's morphology we are pretty much normal. That is a great feeling but also a little scary because what if we are one of those couples with unexplained infertility and we just never can get pregnant? I hate that I feel this way right now.

Nervous!!!

I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow is my HSG and while I can't wait to get answers, I am also terrified of them at the same time. I don't really know if that makes sense but it is how I feel. I am a little disappointed that Woody is not going with me tomorrow but he has an date with his beautiful daughter Josephina to webcam and we both don't want him to miss it. I am hoping the doctor will give me all the information on all of our tests tomorrow and for us to set up a treatment plan.

 I think Woody is going to be up for anything that I say is okay. I think he just wants me to make all the decisions when it comes to all this because whenever I have tried to talk about his SA, he just doesn't seem at all interested. He wants the baby just none of the details on how to get there. :)

Starting to get answers...

Woody got his SA back. They want to do another one. It looks like he has some issues with his swimmers but nothing too crazy. It still could be what is preventing us from getting pregnant or it still could all be me, I hope I will know more after Wednesday when I get my HSG and hopefully talk to the doctor.

I really hope we can get pregnant just with an IUI. I know I will pay whatever it takes to become a mom but I really hope IVF is not our only answer.

I wonder why it is that I am the only female in my family who seems to have fertility issues? It makes me so sad and I really don't have any one in real life who can relate. I am glad I have the internet to find people who are going through the same thing. *sigh*

Next step...

I know my last few posts were pretty downers about Woody and I. We have worked our way out of our problems and are back on our TTC journey. We have finally gone to a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). I have to have one more test before we get our answers on what we are going to try next. I hope the tests come out relatively OK. I don't want us to have to jump right into IVF but I will if I have to. I want to be pregnant and I want to be a mom. I wish it was easier than this. It is so depressing watching everyone I know get pregnant and here I am.... barren. I am going to try to keep up with this more for my own sanity as I go through hormones and whatever else the DR says I need to do to get a baby.

What was I thinking?

It sucks being in love with someone. They have all the power in the world to hurt you. I made the mistake of talking to Woody about everything and now he just can't stop being angry at me. I am not entirely sure why he hasn't broken up with me. He lets me kiss him and he says I love you too but you can tell he is pissed and I am just waiting for the bomb to drop.

why?

Why did I move here? Why did I think that anything would have changed? I guess I was an idiot. Woody and I talked yesterday about Sara and I thought we were doing ok but then when I asked if I ever asked him to please stop talking to someone because it really bothered me would he... he then got all mad at me and said I was trying to control his life and now this morning he is not talking to me. Why doesn't he understand how much it hurts me that he talks to Sara? He admitted to me that he still has feelings for her and that he would think about being with her if she left her husband. How am I supposed to be comfortable with that? I wonder if he even loves me. I have been crying off and on today. I want to ask him why he is so mad at me but I know it will just cause him to yell at me and probably tell me what a horrible human being I am. I really thought we would be so happy here. Now I am just waiting for him to leave me. I am so miserable. I guess once I get a job, I will just start saving to leave and go back to Washington. I really hate my life right now.

I give up

This is less about baby making and more about how I think Woody and I will be done soon. I think he is in love with another woman. I know I am a little emotional because I am on my period and that means yet again Woody and I failed to make a baby but I feel like he is hiding things from me and that now that he is back in South Carolina that he is going to go back to being with his old girlfriend Sara. I just don't know what to do. I know I can't stop him from cheating or leaving me for her but it is killing me. I am not even sure if he loves me right now or is just staying with me out of obligation since I moved across country for him. I am so depressed. I know they talk about thinks that are not what one married person with two kids and one person in a serious relationship and trying to have a kid is supposed to talk about. I really don't know what to do. I guess I will just have to bury my head in the sand and hope he doesn't leave me or hope he doesn't sleep around and give me a VD.

AHhHHHH

Everyone is pregnant....... I can't get pregnant even if I filled myself up with sperm... at least that sis how I am feeling right now. I am so down. I am in my fertile period right now and of course... NO SEX because Woody's back is messed up. I know he can't help it but I really just want him to jack off and put it in at this point. I am going to be 30 in 3 months and I want to be pregnant by then so bad. My best friend Kasia who already has a daughter is going to start trying for her second in April and I don't know what I will do if she gets pregnant before me. I am so depressed. I wish getting pregnant was so much easier then all of this..........