BFP!

It seems to be good to be true, I got a BFP this morning. I keep thinking it was a dye run or a false positive. I mean, me? pregnant? I was just accepting that we would need to move on to IVF. Also my sore boobs have disappeared just like they do before AF shows. I am having AF cramps and increased discharge all saying AF is on her way other than my temps are still up and I am staring at those two pink lines. I just can't believe it.

I had a beta done today but it was too late in the day so now I have to wait til Monday. I know there is nothing I can do to make this baby stick and I will just have to sit here and see if AF starts. It was due today or could be as long as Sunday. I don't know what I will do if it starts. I think I will be the biggest emotional wreck ever. I don't even think I will take my temp tomorrow, if it drops I don't think I will get out of bed. Who knew getting a BFP would make me a basket case? I know I am rambling but thats how my brain would look if you could see inside it right now. I am going to test every morning until AF shows or I get my beta back showing a real number. I got down on my knees and prayed this morning. I pray all the time but never on my knees. Please lord let this be the one, let this be a sticky bean.

Depression..

I don't know why it is but I seem to post a lot more when I am depressed. I am so down right now. I feel like nothing is right and that I am just failing at everything I want to do.

I want to lose weight but I can't stop eating.
I want to get in shape but work out for a day and then quit.
I want to save money and pay off my bills but instead I spend it on frivolous stuff or food that makes me fat... see above.

I worked out some at work tonight since I heard it can elevate your mood, I hope it kicks in soon. Woody just ordered pizza but because I told him I am trying to not spend money on going out to eat anymore he has stated that I am not allowed to have any pizza because he is not running a charity. I thought he would understand and support me in trying to be better with money but instead he is acting like a petulant child. It irks me but you know what I don't need pizza anyways. I am fat enough already.

I am also wallowing in a sea of "I'm never going to be pregnant" misery. I have already convinced myself that this next IUI is a failure and I haven't even had it yet. How depressing. I wish I had some hope but I just feel like I am out. I think it doesn't help that I am not entirely sure we have money for any other treatments for awhile. Ugh! I need to post every so often about happy things..... :( I just want to crawl in bed and cry... of course Woody wants to watch a movie.

Sigh

I am just feeling so depressed right now. It seems like everyone that I know and even people I don't are pregnant right now. I still love seeing babies and I really truly congratulate anyone I know who is pregnant but why can't it be me? What is so wrong with me that I just can't get pregnant. We have done two medicated IUI's now and nothing. I am running out of money and if this last IUI doesn't work I am guessing it will be awhile before we can move on to whatever the next step is.

We do have to move on to the next step if this cycle doesn't work. The RE said that we would try this for 3 cycles. Woody and I have talked some about it and I think we might try donor sperm. It is so much less expensive then IVF. It makes me so sad though to think I won't be able to see our features in our baby but I want to be a mom so bad and Woody wants to be a dad again, I wonder though when it comes time to actually pull the trigger on donor sperm if he will be ok with it. I go back and forth everyday about it.

I am so glad I have my little blog. I know not many people read it and to be honest that is fine with me if no one did, I just sometimes need to get things off my chest and while I love babycenter.com and the wonderful group of ladies on Actively Trying the Next Level I just don't feel like bothering them when I am feeling so down about something every single one of those ladies are struggling with. If anyone is reading this... please send a prayer that this cycle works. I have my US on Thursday and probably the IUI on Friday or Saturday. Please, please, please!!