Bummer

I am 12 DPO and I took a test this morning and it was negative. I am also having cramps which I think I usually get around this time so I guess my big sore boobs don't really mean much. I am so upset with myself that I got so convinced that I was pregnant. I want to be a mother so bad. Ugh! I am trying to be positive but it just isn't happening at the moment.

Big Swollen

Big swollen boobs! I have never experienced this before. I am trying to keep my hopes down but I am just positive I am pregnant. I am 11 DPO. I thought about testing this morning but I figured I would be one of those women who don't test positive until after my period is due. I am going to test on Halloween though. I will be 13 DPO and well I think it would be cool to find out on that day. If I am pregnant this cycle, I will feel like everything is coming together. Woody finally got his percentages, so that means we will be moving to SC and if I am pregnant, we will be getting two things we have been desperately waiting for. I am a little worried though. I am starting to cramp and I mean I usually get cramps before my period. I hope it means nothing. I can just tell I have a little baby growing inside of me. I hope I don't eat my words in a few days.

waste of time?

Ahhh!!! Alright so I will warn ahead that this is TMI. Woody and I used the conception kit for the first time tonight. I feel like it was such a waste. The point of the whole thing is to put the semen right on the cervix so that it can be right where it needs to be. The problem is that getting the cap on my cervix was impossible. I mean I think I spilled half of the sperm out and I couldn't even get it on my cervix since it was so way up there. I guess this will not be our month. I guess I need to practice putting my fingers up there and getting something up there. I don't know. I am just feeling really down right now. Will I ever be pregnant?

Conception Kit

Alright, I broke down and bought the conception kit. I can't believe I just spent $350 on it. I mean what if it doesn't work? I also have a feeling that for the three months that we are using this kit if I don't get pregnant it is going to hurt more then usual when my period starts. I don't even test anymore. I hate seeing a negative pregnancy test. I soooo hope this works. I am so ready to be a mom.

Woody keeps stating hat we just can't get pregnant. I know he is upset that we are not pregnant yet but I hate it. I don't want to think that way, though truth be told I have the same thoughts at time. I have not told Woody yet that I bought the kit. I don't think I am going to tell him the whole truth on the cost if he asks though I am not really one for lying, at least not to him. I mean I lie like everyone does at some points. It should be arriving in the mail on Thursday and I am due to ovulate a week from today. Ahhhhhhhh!!! I want this to work. OK, I am rambling now.. It is probably for the best that no one else reads this. I mean I am not a very good blogger.

CD 1

Ugh. My period started today while I was at work. I knew it was coming but it is still sad. I haven't even told Woody yet. I just don't have the heart. I know he takes it just as hard as I do each month we are not pregnant. I think I am going to spend the $350 and get that kit I was talking about today. I am willing to do anything at this point. I want to be a mother. I want to feel a baby growing in my womb. I want all of it. I don't care about any of the bad stuff about pregnancy and being a parent. I know it will be all for it.

I can do this...

I am feeling a little more positive this morning. Not because I think I am pregnant but just I don't know. I am not as sad. I guess I have just already accepted that my period will show her ugly head tomorrow. I wish I knew why it was taking so long. What if I am not able to have kids of my own? Woody is talking about getting his sperm checked. I hope he will since that will give us another answer and unfortunately I don't have health insurance at the moment. I am thinking of buying the conception kit. It is $350 though. I mean that is a lot of money but ahhhh I just want to be pregnant already and I am willing to try anything at this point.

I also need to really focus on losing weight. It is so important. I mean what if being fat is keeping me from getting pregnant? I just need to buckle down. I know how to do it. Now I just need to do it. Ever since we started trying to have a baby it seems like that is all I have energy and will power to do. Maybe I need to change some of my focus for a little. I am not saying I am stopping trying but maybe not obsess as much. Ugh I don't know. I just don't like myself right now and my lack of discipline.

Depression

Woody and I have been trying to get pregnant since February 2011. I know it has only been 8 months but I am so depressed. I am beginning to be afraid it will never happen. This morning I decided to start a blog, after I saw my temperature drop. I just need some place to let this all out. I don't want everyone to know that we are trying. For those who do know we are trying, it is embarrassing. I feel like a failure when each month they ask if I am pregnant yet and I have to say nope.

If I could go back again I would never have told anyone. I was just so excited when we decided to start trying that I did not even think what it would be like if it didn't happen right away. I was just so sure it would. I mean my mom and grandmother both got pregnant within 3 months of trying. I guess they did start younger then me. I mean I am 29 and getting closer to 30.

I am not writing this for someone to read per say. I am just writing this for me and maybe someone who is also trying and frustrated, will find this and maybe get something from it.