BFP!

It seems to be good to be true, I got a BFP this morning. I keep thinking it was a dye run or a false positive. I mean, me? pregnant? I was just accepting that we would need to move on to IVF. Also my sore boobs have disappeared just like they do before AF shows. I am having AF cramps and increased discharge all saying AF is on her way other than my temps are still up and I am staring at those two pink lines. I just can't believe it.

I had a beta done today but it was too late in the day so now I have to wait til Monday. I know there is nothing I can do to make this baby stick and I will just have to sit here and see if AF starts. It was due today or could be as long as Sunday. I don't know what I will do if it starts. I think I will be the biggest emotional wreck ever. I don't even think I will take my temp tomorrow, if it drops I don't think I will get out of bed. Who knew getting a BFP would make me a basket case? I know I am rambling but thats how my brain would look if you could see inside it right now. I am going to test every morning until AF shows or I get my beta back showing a real number. I got down on my knees and prayed this morning. I pray all the time but never on my knees. Please lord let this be the one, let this be a sticky bean.

Depression..

I don't know why it is but I seem to post a lot more when I am depressed. I am so down right now. I feel like nothing is right and that I am just failing at everything I want to do.

I want to lose weight but I can't stop eating.
I want to get in shape but work out for a day and then quit.
I want to save money and pay off my bills but instead I spend it on frivolous stuff or food that makes me fat... see above.

I worked out some at work tonight since I heard it can elevate your mood, I hope it kicks in soon. Woody just ordered pizza but because I told him I am trying to not spend money on going out to eat anymore he has stated that I am not allowed to have any pizza because he is not running a charity. I thought he would understand and support me in trying to be better with money but instead he is acting like a petulant child. It irks me but you know what I don't need pizza anyways. I am fat enough already.

I am also wallowing in a sea of "I'm never going to be pregnant" misery. I have already convinced myself that this next IUI is a failure and I haven't even had it yet. How depressing. I wish I had some hope but I just feel like I am out. I think it doesn't help that I am not entirely sure we have money for any other treatments for awhile. Ugh! I need to post every so often about happy things..... :( I just want to crawl in bed and cry... of course Woody wants to watch a movie.

Sigh

I am just feeling so depressed right now. It seems like everyone that I know and even people I don't are pregnant right now. I still love seeing babies and I really truly congratulate anyone I know who is pregnant but why can't it be me? What is so wrong with me that I just can't get pregnant. We have done two medicated IUI's now and nothing. I am running out of money and if this last IUI doesn't work I am guessing it will be awhile before we can move on to whatever the next step is.

We do have to move on to the next step if this cycle doesn't work. The RE said that we would try this for 3 cycles. Woody and I have talked some about it and I think we might try donor sperm. It is so much less expensive then IVF. It makes me so sad though to think I won't be able to see our features in our baby but I want to be a mom so bad and Woody wants to be a dad again, I wonder though when it comes time to actually pull the trigger on donor sperm if he will be ok with it. I go back and forth everyday about it.

I am so glad I have my little blog. I know not many people read it and to be honest that is fine with me if no one did, I just sometimes need to get things off my chest and while I love babycenter.com and the wonderful group of ladies on Actively Trying the Next Level I just don't feel like bothering them when I am feeling so down about something every single one of those ladies are struggling with. If anyone is reading this... please send a prayer that this cycle works. I have my US on Thursday and probably the IUI on Friday or Saturday. Please, please, please!!

Crazy Symptoms.

It is amazing how one moment I can swear I am pregnant and then the next I feel like my period is going to start any moment.

I had my first IUI on 10/21/2012 and I am going to be 10 DPIUI tomorrow. My breasts are the sorest they have ever been, my BBT chart looks amazing, but I am sitting here with my usual period type cramps, though I will admit they are days early.

I plan to test tomorrow. I know it is too early to probably get a BFP but I just want to try for a cool Halloween honey we are pregnant thing. My irrational fear though is my period is going to start tomorrow because every time I have ever taken a HPT when I thought there was a real chance I could be pregnant, my period has started that day, with out fail.

I hate how I am feeling right now and I hate how scared I am about these cramps. Usually when my breasts do usually get sore, it disappears right before my period but instead they are getting more sore and big, I hope that means good things but I just feel so low right now. I want Woody and I to finally get our baby.

No sense!!

Men make no sense, or maybe it is just mine. Woody and I just went through all this testing and bought medication to start next cycle to get our BFP and just now he just went on a rant telling me how I am being irresponsible by wanting to become pregnant while I am still going to school and how we should be waiting. WTF?? I swear he is bipolar. I am just going to let this slide. I am not going to even get into an argument with him over this.

We have already been trying for 1 year and 7 months and nothing has happened... I am 30, he is 35. He wants to wait? Why not just say that we are never going to have kids? I know he doesn't mean it but whenever he gets upset or wound up about something, in the case he has finals, he becomes irrational and mean about everything. I really can't stand when he is like this.

HSG

My HSG was all clear. That is such a relief. I am waiting to talk to the doctor now. I am cramping a little.

It seems like besides Woody's morphology we are pretty much normal. That is a great feeling but also a little scary because what if we are one of those couples with unexplained infertility and we just never can get pregnant? I hate that I feel this way right now.

Nervous!!!

I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow is my HSG and while I can't wait to get answers, I am also terrified of them at the same time. I don't really know if that makes sense but it is how I feel. I am a little disappointed that Woody is not going with me tomorrow but he has an date with his beautiful daughter Josephina to webcam and we both don't want him to miss it. I am hoping the doctor will give me all the information on all of our tests tomorrow and for us to set up a treatment plan.

 I think Woody is going to be up for anything that I say is okay. I think he just wants me to make all the decisions when it comes to all this because whenever I have tried to talk about his SA, he just doesn't seem at all interested. He wants the baby just none of the details on how to get there. :)